Articles - from past newsletters

The Season of Giving and Receiving - Dec '08

As I buy some final Christmas presents, I am aware of the challenges we can face giving and receiving. For example, I still find it easier to give than to receive. When I married, I was amazed at the amount we received; from parents helping pay for our wedding, hen party gifts to wedding gifts from so many family and friends. It might sound mad, but having been bought up to make do and not want what I couldn't have, it was hard to enjoy it and feel it was OK to receive so much. Thankfully, I found ways to let go and revelled in the new experience that becoming a Burr brought with it!

Read the full article.

"Step Families, Part 3: More Tangible Approaches & Ideas" - Nov '08

Here’s a further five ideas, following on from Part 2.

5.Create a blend of rules. Accept there will need to be a mix of groups with different rules, and practically design life to acknowledge this. Write a list of what ‘normal’ used to look like for each partner/family around getting up, meals, discipline/ boundaries, talking together, weekends, family time, TV time, going to bed. Everyone needs to have things that won’t change, so they can agree to other change...

Read the full article, for a tangible example and more ideas

"Step Families, Part 2: Positive, Tangible Approaches & Ideas" - Nov '08

After speaking about what happens in step families and how individuals feel in Part 1, I know some of you are waiting for something more concrete that will support you in the realities of life in a step family, so here it is.

1.Be realistic and give yourself a break. Let go of the vision of a big happy family and start to explore the idea of a blended family, one that has a mix of different parts. For some individuals this will feel like a loss and disappointment and talking about it will help them express these feelings. Look for the small positives amongst the messiness, because this is a messy process, and celebrate those for yourself, your relationship and your children.

2.Focus on your relationship...

Read the full article, to hear some ideas

"Step Families: Are you an insider, an outsider, or both? Part 1" - Oct '08

Imagine for a moment the start of a new step family...

The partners want to have space, specialness and time for their new relationship and an enjoyable start together. The parent(s) want their children to be happy and make the transition as easy as possible. The step child(ren) probably have a mix of reactions and want some control over the changes; they may not want it to happen, feeling jealous about parents moving on in their new relationships, feeling scared of them creating ‘new’ families where they don’t fit, perhaps overwhelmed by the responsibility of being the last connection between their parents, or they may want a new ‘mum’ or ‘dad’, feeling relief at knowing what is happening. Previous partners may or may not want it to work and be supportive or obstructive, and as parents will have a whole host of concerns and challenges ahead. Everything about access, money and logistics around the child(ren) has to be worked out and agreed. And that’s just the start.

A quick glimpse of how hard it is in the life of a step family where everyone has different needs that are not always obvious and often contradictory...

So what helps?

I want to introduce to you the idea of ‘insiders and outsiders’

Read the full article, to find out more about insiders and outsiders

"As easy as child’s play?" - June '08

I am currently reading a book about Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen and its making me smile. It’s reminding me of the importance of play in life and giving permission for more!

In all seriousness (see how it creeps in), you should understand that this is coming from a woman who now spends time leaping around with a fur eiderdown over her head, tongue lolling & barking loudly one minute, rolling around on the floor in tickling bouts or pretend wrestling matches the next, or making monkey noises and doing wild arm gestures another. Yes, parenting gives us an excuse to play more wildly, more noisily and differently, to ditch decorum for a few minutes or hours and just play more.

How can we bring the benefits of this into the rest of our lives?

And what helps us when we struggle to play?

Well, what is play? Is it spontaneity, games, creativity, silliness, making up & breaking rules, permission, fun, giggles, flow, experimentation, enjoying mistakes? We probably each have our own list, but where does connection come on it? Is it even there?

Read the full article, including why it can be hard to play & what helps

"Why Looking After Yourself might Be The Secret to Happiness" - May '08

Scene 1: Sitting at my PC going round in circles trying hard to write my newsletter.

Options:

• Eat a piece of chocolate

• Eat a bar of chocolate

• Put the washing on

• Do admin

• Go out out on my bike

• Stay writing boring, trite rubbish which I will later delete

Bridget Jones eat your heart out. The irony is not lost on me; I am struggling to look after myself as I write this article. I know I'm making it hard work, pushing to have something done rather than listening to what I need for my creativity to flow.

I give in. This time I get it.

I have to start with taking care of me.

Read the full article, including ideas for how to look after yourself more

"Ever Thought your Relationship was Over?" - Apr '08

Zoo’s Australian magazine are offering one ‘lucky’ man, who is ‘stuck in a busted marriage’, the chance to win a divorce, all expenses paid, with essentials for his new lifestyle thrown in; a plasma TV, playstation, a cleaner and of course a party to celebrate.

OK, so it’s Zoo magazine and it would be daft to take it too seriously, yet part of me felt great sadness at the thought of men choosing to compete for such a hollow prize, for the illusion that this will be a time of celebration and that escaping into entertainment could match being in relationship with someone. Our society seems to advocate giving up in relationship when the going gets tough. The message we hear is that relationships that aren’t going well, or as expected, are ‘busted’ and we need to move on.

What if the absolute opposite is true?

That when a relationship feels ‘busted’ it’s just getting started.

Read the full article, including 3 tips for getting out of the fighting phase.

“Change Takes as Long as it Takes” - Mar '08

We live in a world obsessed with change and improvement. Everything has targets, as if these are the answer and will miraculously make things ‘better’. In business, the message is often ‘adapt and change, or die’.

But what of change in our personal lives? How do we handle the natural changes as we grow up and grow older? The transition from child to adolescent, from adolescent to adult, from being single to being in relationship, from falling ‘in love’ to a deeper, sustainable intimacy, becoming a mother or father?

Read the full article.

“A few Relationship Truths you wish you’d known a little sooner” - Feb '08

I grew up with romantic fairy tales of knights in shining armour rescuing damsels in distress, followed by happy-ever after high school films and chick flicks and elaborate dreams of my wedding day. Relationship became something magical and idyllic to yearn for, the place where everything would be perfect and I would feel truly loved.

Whilst deep down I knew the reality was different - after all I watched my parents and other couples, and my mother warned me enough that ‘you have to work at relationship’ - I still held on to some sense of this idyllic notion. No wonder the reality was a bit of a shock and disappointment was inevitable – how could my husband, or any human being, ever live up to such a dream?

How do we handle the inevitable disappointment, when we realise our partner isn’t the person we imagined they were, that they can’t be the answer and make us happy?

Read the full article, including 3 Relationship Truths.

Read 2007 articles

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